HIV tests are more positive than that guy
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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