My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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