Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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