never play flip cup with pint glasses
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
