Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
