marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
