Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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