I met the friendliest cop last night
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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