I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
