my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
