Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
