My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
