yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
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Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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