and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
