Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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