remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.