New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
