at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
