Tell her she can't have a vagina
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
