dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
