I accidentally burped into my bong.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
