This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
