I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
