if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
