This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
