I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Welp...herpes.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
