did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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