Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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