Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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