saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
