I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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