Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
