I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
