No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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