who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
