I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
