ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
