Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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