we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
