Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
