She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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