I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
