I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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