my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.