You made me cry and you don't even care
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.