STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.