Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
