Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
now i know why i became what i already was.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
