I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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