I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
