I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
