turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
