I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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