i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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