I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
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I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
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I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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