Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal