She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live