do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.