Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I could fuck to npr.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?