She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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