I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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