I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
