Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Randomize
