So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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