i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
