She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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