I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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